My wife avoids spending time with me. If this is a real concern for you then ask yourself was there ever any infidelity or cheating on your part? Sex is extremely painful, regardless of whatever I use to try and counteract the problem. Now when it comes to my receiving oral sex to orgasm? Additionally, she should see an endocrinologist who can check her thyroid. Or does it not matter what the man wants? But at the same time love is kind and will not guilt trip. My guess is shes been trying to rid herself of me for many years but wants me to be the one to leave so she can save face with friends and family. With a lot of talk and communication, we have made peace with our sex life. A study published by the. An undiagnosed, underlying medical condition can also be the reason for a decreased sex drive. I read this with interest. He was gone on the road 80% of the time. I honestly dont know what happens to men as they age. I think Im in love and theres no turning back. There is no excuse for boxing your partner in such a guilt ridden morally compromising prison. It can be helpful to have this conversation with the help of a sexuality professional, such as a sex therapist or coach. Nobody tells you about this stuff in premarital counseling the you. While its true that marriage isnt for everyone, it certainly isnt worthless. I am 66 and my wife is 62. I pay 90% of the bills, cook most of the meals, and clean (wash my own cloths). You have your wife, intimacy is so much better than busting a nut and orgasming, why does this make us feel better? So around our house it is whispered, why is he mad? I heard my uncles talk about sex like it was something from their youth that has long gone. Do this without the expectation of sexual intimacy. I am sorry but I think thats just nuts. Women fall in love with their husbands have kids and having kids taking care of the kids 99.99% and working full time or taking some class to better your job. This sounds exactly like my situation although I am the husband. A lack of communication may have led to years of unsatisfying sex, and the longer youre together, the more nervous she may be to bring it up. The therapist totally forgot about me as my wife did. I domt have to put up with that. Take what you can, now. In the meantime,, get naked and take care of your partners needs because as you can see on this strand, there are plenty of people out there who will! Related Reading: How To Survive A Sexless Marriage Without Cheating. She wanted me to be sexual with her, but would not reciprocate. If you deny one you put a wall around the other. This will make intimacy a million times more enjoyable for both partners. Around year 3 it was 1x week and that lasted another 5 when it became about 1x a week. I dont look my age at all! You can be in a marriage without sex. Arguments and maltreatment are nothing to put up with. I dont masturbate much because I would prefer to be with her. Step out of your own hurt feelings and into her world. Fundamentally, it comes down to 3 choices: leave, cheat, or suffer. I guess I must count my blessings. To you guys in a sexless marriage for years, and she wont even talk to you about it? If there's no intimacy in your marriage from your wife and you've realized that she may be suffering through mental health issues, Bonobology's panel of experienced therapists can help guide your partner through this turbulent time, and perhaps re-establish the harmonious relationship you yearn for. Hes no longer a sexy looking man, doesnt care about trying to make himself better, I still fight to try to look really good, no matter how I feel. If your wife never initiates sex, its time to bring out your inner charmer and start romancing your wife. Counseling is usually the way out but unfortunately most people in a relationship dont want to go that route (or at least one of them doesnt). He wears it and with a little imagination it can work just like the real thing. But I do it, why? 4. I bet theres either something from you, or shes hiding a big lie. We are all just CroMagnon reborn. The precursor for any affair is emotional intimacy, says Gopa. But at this point I dont think her interest in sex will ever revive, so what would your advice be? As far as the guy I liked, nothing ever came of it. And you are wasting your life . Senior Planet Community is our social media platform designed specifically for older adult users. But I still feel that my wife is my one and only best friend and while I may be frustrated , I will always hold that more dear than anything else. She may give in from time to time to satisfy her man, but the drive is gone. Now both in our early 60s, she has lost the desire for sex and has pain issues as well. When a wife who has to cook, clean, take care of the kids, do the laundry, pick the kids up from school and take a couple of classes she is too tired to perform another task after all that she has done in one day. I spoil her all the time. I would like to ask her if well ever have a sex life again, but she has a hard time talking about it. Someday I might take a sex vacation overseas. If a couple's sex life continues to follow a routine that doesn't tend to feel good for the woman, she may lose interest in having sex entirely. Well, its clearly only getting worse. you probably love your husband, or at least the person he once was when you were first together. If I was better looking and could make the time to find a willing partner Id do it because sex has dwindled a lot in the last ten years. (d.head || d.body).appendChild(s); Im 69 and still active. Ive read where most men think the woman should spice up their sex lives to keep the man from cheating and those kind of men are lazy. . Must he provide her preferred amount of resources (which is much higher than he himself needs) while also accepting her preferred amount of sex (which is much lower than he himself needs) under the guise of equality? Should be a Clause in sickness and health and sex also! Women want to be swept off their feet. Women wont mention it because the rejection we feel each time he puts us off, says no or does not respond to our sexual advances chips away at our self confidence and our souls as being sexually vibrant women even in our late sixties. In this case, you can turn the tide for your sex life by simply becoming more involved in running the household and making your wife feel special by going the extra mile toreduce her burden. I would walk a mile in this mans shoes before I offer advice. I was reading the original story and that exactly my life. I am talking about virtual reality and toys for Men like the flesh light, that can at least make the situation bearable. Were communicating better but no changes to our sex life even though he has plenty of blue pills. Christi do us a favor and explain what you are talking about. The last time we tried, she complained of the pain even with lubrication. What to do about it: Don't jump to conclusions. Its strictly psychological as I have no problems when alone or watching porn, which she is totally against. On the other hand, another reason your wife is never in the mood may be related to menopause. It is not the loss of testicles as much as the loss of the prostate gland. Once we get a savings built up, we are going to enjoy life and enjoy ourselves even more. It sounds like there are many many committed marriages but seemingly to unwise and probably unloving spouses. Adding, However, just because your wife avoids physical contact doesnt necessarily mean theres bound to be infidelity involved. Its a bummer most times. For most women, sexual desire is fueled by romantic feelings for their partner. Its only going to get worse. You ever think about getting some on the side? If your vagina is dry, find out why. Its ridiculous. I have never, nor will I ever cheat. Is your husband on HRT as well? She has her own retail business, which cash flows, but has hasnt turned a profit in the last 5 years. During the first twenty- five years of our marriage we were both church goers and sent our son to Catholic schools, but we both now feel that religion doeset always have all the answers. They seem just as happy as any other married couple. Her work has been featured at The Cut, Vice, Teen Vogue, Cosmopolitan, and elsewhere. I have kept fit and kept busy. Friends and family say theres going to be a decrease in libido, but its been almost a whole year since she has even initiated anything, he added. Im Maried for 5 years and from one year until now my wife change completely like a different person she don't let me hold her hands or touch her or kiss her and sex more than 6 months that she don't have sex with me I asked her if she don't love me anymore and she say that she love me and I asked her why she's doing you know all the . Gopa explains how such mental health issues can affect your physical intimacy. A woman may lose interest in sex, even in a happy marriage, if the sex does not bring her sexual pleasure. Maybe we should start a group. Im 63, sexless for many years, and your essay really hit home. Men, if you want sex and the answer at home is no, you can accept that the last time you had sex will be it until you die. Spice up your appearance. 1. Man, thats no way to respond to your wife, person you care deeply about whos saying to you that theyre experiencing mental health crisis in your relationship. That was the best written, most solid commentary on this subject Ive ever read. Welcome to, IMO, male divine right. Be loving. I will do what makes me happy because obviously no one else will. Married 23 years. If you go too directly and/or too soon to her vulva before shes aroused, shell likely just want to withdraw. Its been a lonely and humiliating experience. Same issue here. Have sexual experiences together that don't revolve around intercourse. So my question to the men here. etc. Without going into details - I am 100% certain that it was satisfying for both of us. Who sacrifices? I understand that some people accept this type of relationship and just crave a good friend and companion for the rest of their life. Even without your wife, seeing a therapist will help you learn how to communicate with her, and give you new ways of looking at your marriage and strategies for coping. I totally understand your story. Yes, he may have more energy then she does because he did nothing all day but insulted her and her lack of sex. I think in many cases a therapist is in order but if only one party wants this and the other refuses to address the problem or go to a therapist, then the stalemate will undoubtedly continue unabated until well, divorce or death, whichever comes first! Unfortunately a couple of years ago I was diagnosed with prostate cancer and under went surgery that shut me don sexually (I couldnt even masturbate any more) This has killed all hope we had to try and have a sexually normal marriage. I know this because that is what I do, but I have never been more unhappy in my life. Related Reading: How To Romantically Flirt With Your Spouse? Unfortunately, Buck Necked is correct. Important note: The only way to find out exactly why your wife is not interested in sex is to ask her yourself. If so, it could be that the side effects of her depression, or even the medication she is on to treat it, are lowering her libido. I agree, there is more going on than just someone spending all their time doing other things. No sex 7 years!!! Why do you think Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt got divorced?? Who risks? Stayed for the kids (gone now) and because I dont WANT to be divorced but I am so painfully alone. And the source of so many sleepless nights is that person who promised to love and honor us until death dobus part and who still possess a mouth and fingers and the ability to do just that. I must be cursed. But I do like your advice, dont waste time with them and take whatever you can get now. Only you can decide if this is right for you. But it should not stop like this as it hampering your life. Please keep your eyes open for signs she is interested in someone else, such as being secretive, avoiding you, or hitting the gym. Its a two-way street as are most things in marriage. If your wife avoids intimacy, this could be her way of punishing you for something she suspects you of. She may begin to stop seeing herself as a sexual being as she assumes the role of mother, a role that society often strongly desexualizes. Or make a deal with him, sounds very strong at 76. Feeling like my wife never initiates intimacy is incredibly frustrating. As we age we need to look at things with a different perspective. But they can FORCE their partners to NOT have sex and No one seems to want to talk about that. The health setback added to a divorce and two children to support has made life difficult. So not only will your wife not want to touch you, but you probably wont want her to anymore. Now ASAP get a life please. Laura. While men often connect to their wives through physical intimacy, a wife needs a mix of physical arousal and, Love Hormones Unraveling the Veracity of the Science of Love. See all of Joans advice in Sex@Our Age. Sometimes when a woman becomes a mother, it can affect the way she sees herselfand the way her partner sees her. At first when we were dating this were fine. I understand the frustration, I have tried talking with my wife and have even said, if the problem was with me, I would be in a doctors office tomorrow! When we go out, all I see are happy couples who show affection and love. Im mid 50s married man who has ED and low T. I have always had a lower desire. But it will quickly fade again once their needs are met. I enjoy sex, but I am often fatigued and have low energy. Youre doing them harm when refusing. So when your wife seems to frequently push you away and demonstrates through her words or actions that she has no interest in making love with you, this behavior is usually caused by a one or more triggering events. 57mwm here. My ex is 70; I am 63. we have been married about 22 years. When it gone, its gone. What to do about it: Make sure your wife knows you see her as a sexy beingcompliment her often, give her simmering kisses and affectionate touch, and do these things without tying the gestures to requests for sex. I miss the simple things. My husband will not have sex with me anymore. Anyway, I was so turned on by this guy (in love too)that just seeing him or us simply hugging was a major Turn-On. We did have sex on occasion but we would go months in between, not my idea, finally he stopped and said he had no more interest or ambition to have sex. But we dont have sex or make love or anything you want to call it! . Its such an insult to your wife when you guys do that and .makes us ashamed of our bodies especially after having your baby we will never get our bodies back the same way it was before we got pregnant and you watching porn with photoshops were women to look at if they really look like that makes us feel you are body shaming us. Expert Lists 13 Reasons, 43 Romantic Date Night Ideas For Married Couples, 44 Unique Birthday Wishes For Husband To Convey Your Love, 33 Most Romantic Things To Do For Your Wife, The Best 51 Anniversary Wishes For Husband, 6 Facts That Sum Up The Purpose Of Marriage. How should I phrase it? Join as many groups as you can, and leave him at home. Turns out childhood trauma caused me to have an attachment disorder which in turn caused subconscious intimacy anxiety which would then cause me to suffer from severe sexual dysfunctions which turned out to be unfixable. A person wants to, and intends to, stay faithful to their spouse in a sexless marriage and be a good Catholic at the same time is faced with, what seems to me, a no win situation. Harley and Mike, I have a loving wife but her sex drive is down to ziltch. From work deadlines to zoom meetings to bosses to deal with, teams to manage, kids to raise, meals to cook, chores to do, errands to run and the billion other things your wife has to handle, she may just be too exhausted to even think about sex. Medication also he ls good to me but his hobby ls everything to him he jokes around with me we are like room Ive lived through a sexless marriage myself. And everyone under his authority flourishes. It also says that we are to make our bodies our patents, not ours. Thats why were looking at the most common reasons why your wife is never in the mood anymore and what you can do if your wife refuses to have sex. I would do just about anything to have a willing partner like you! Showing discomfort is a telltale sign that your wife isn't taking foreplay positively. Spend the same time you are researching and pursuing prostitutesworking out and looking healthier and bettering your relationship. I am happy all the time, my hair is twice as thick as it was before, I had urge incontinence, which completely disappeared, it cut my knee joint pain in half, and best of all, I love sex again. I hear ya Jose! When you choose not to accept/care/act on it year after year, our desire disappears. Fix for this is just deal with it and do your own thing, or just leave. Been in sexless marriage for 45 years! To some it may even taste nasty. If Im doing the very best I can and feeling pretty good about things, ITS NEVER ENOUGH. Porn is the no. (You might want to share with her an excellent resource about responsive desire, Emily Nagoskis book Come as You Are: The Surprising New Science that Will Transform Your Sex Life.). She even said to me that I should leave if I am not happy, she prefers that I do not, but basically what she is saying is that if I want to stay, this is the way its going to be. Couple relationshipsthe pains and pleasures, the anxieties and comforts, the craziness and calm. She has to try, and she should want to try for your sake if not hers. She didnt. Good points you made for sure. She doesnt even let me see her naked. And Marley, I deeply sorry for your situation. It will resotre his body as well and make you hapoier. All rights reserved. My wife avoids intimacy a vast majority of married men live with this nagging feeling, sometimes for years on end. I guess. Her duty? The children I mention are my children from a prior marriage and I do 100% of everything for them without any help from her. Almost all new moms experience what is medically described as the baby blues a sudden feeling of sadness after giving birth, coupled with mood swings and irritability, among other symptoms. She put in over $300K on our $1M house and I told her we may need to sell it when my youngest graduates high school. She continued to have sex for a while but that eventually ended and we havent had sex now in over 5 years. You deserve to be happy in your life as well. (Note to women reading this thread: though the accepted wisdom is women love big penises, Ive found in my experience that its certainly not universal. The sex was great but found I was working most years 2 jobs, supporting the house hold 3 kids. there is NO physical connection PLUS no sex. The last time I had sex was in 1997. For me my wife has me feeling guilty and hesitant and re framing from touching her in any way. In my case our problems are ever deeper in that ours is a Love /Hate relationship. I am really starting to think that sex was not made for pleasure, but for reproduction and when the reproductive years end for a woman, so does her desire for sex diminishes or ends and men that still have a desire, suffer in silence or become broke from a divorce and visiting prostitutes. I almost wish I were. We know right form wrong. And when that happens, what used to turn you on about your wife wont turn you on anymore. On fantasy world would be 24/7! /* But keeping an open dialogue about your mutual wants and desires can improve your sex life tremendously. Im 87 years young and my vibrator is busy. Though she died quickly sex was never discussed and I can assure you my marriage was a bed of rock. Its one thing to have trouble with arousal, or other sexual difficulties. I understand all the reasons she doesnt want sex except one, if she actually loves me wouldnt there be some effort? How about this? Being in a sexless marriage is great, we havent had sex, intimacy togetherness for 40 years. Your wife may have become so involved in raising the kids that her relationship with you takes a backseat. Yes. Our marriage was sexless because I couldnt perform so we started seeing various kinds of Therapists but after 5 years we had no luck. I love him and still desire him (even though he lost his hair and gained a gut!!) And now we are old and the chance of my wife changing are now nil. Yes it seems so mechanical and cut and dry the way some men are, so no sex is much more appealing. My first wife and I married when we were 21. You can find a sitter and really focus on each other. Particularly in marriages between men and women, women still do the vast majority of household labor and childcare, even when both partners are spending an equal number of hours at work. At that time my job became demanding. Drugs and orgasm. Like I have a total stranger as a house guest. Sometimes I wish he would go. I cant do that, divorce right away. After having our first child, my wife wasnt thinking about sex at all. At 78 and after 47 years of marriage I kind of resigned myself to a sexless marriage.My rabbi was married over 55 years and said he had 4 good years sohe was not complaining.He also said over 90 percent of members of the congregation were miserable in their marriages.I guess he and I. Hello Dave, And Ive been caught too. Virtually every woman Ive been with, and there werent that many, experienced a lot of discomfort with me penetrating them no matter how gentle and slow I took it, with or without lube, and regardless of how excited they were). BIG ZERO, NADA FOR 18 MONTHS NOW! However if these women get divorced they have a sexual oasis spring up again between their legs because they need to find a new nest. I like the martyr thing, but its no B.S. And I still dont even know why! However, another simple answer is that she isnt used to being the initiator. Plus why would you want to have sex with someone who isnt interested? Think back to the time when you were dating. Even if it is difficult, do everything you can to put yourself in her shoes. She has absolutely no interest in it. The Bible says to not deny one another because it leads to stumbling. Dang! Have you considered opening your relationship or swinging together? So selfish and controlling . Be a fuckin man. Keep it as quick as I can at 41 I had neck surgery, nothing below waist working very well, had penis pump install, went from 6 to 3 (maybe) tip flops around cant penetrate vagina.she at time started Menopause and wasnt really interested anyway. Be gentle and calm when you bring it up. Empathy is about feeling her burdens and sitting with them instead of trying to solve them. I am fairly attractive and I. She NEVER asks but will tell me I can have it whenever I want. . I dont thinks this was the place to sound your horn (pun). Lame! I have hypertension and medications have affected my ability to get an erection. My advice would be to sort these problems out before the years pass and certainly before there are children as I think most men have a stronger sense of loyalty and decency than they are often given credit for and are willing to forgo what is a very primal need for the sake of a stable relationship. None the less partners have to also accept it is something you dont get used to or get over. Less. about this, nothing will change. Its a disturbing trap that you must avoid. I wouldnt even care if he watched or joined. Even worse, because Im larger than average, she can no longer handle my penis even if she wanted to. I am not willing to live the last 15-20 years of my life without affection, at least. Frankly; its time to move on and out . Ive slept in my own bedroom for 43 of those years. Not addressing the problem out of fear of confrontation will only make matters worse. Not you at all by the sounds of it. You were something new, mysterious, independently confident, self-respecting, self-motivated and unpredictable. That you are incapable or unwilling to engage in a relationship with a woman as an equal says a lot more about you than it does about marriage. Of course mine wont go to a therapist no matter what so apparently the problem will persist. If it wasnt for this site I would had forgotten that the word sex even existed! However I worked as much at home since someone had to do it. She may be experiencing depression or a lack of self-confidence, or maybe she feels like she's failing at this parenting thing. Why is a mans focus so connected to his ability to use a womans body to empty the contents of his balls? But to then take into account the Catholic Churchs stance on that interjects another sticking point, if I may use that term. Whether male or female, each of us made a promise to love and honor our partners either through marriage or by living together. Hell go out and get what you can as long as its safe and mutually desired. Not sure what feels worse, not getting any or getting it with her just laying there. We have had little to no connection with them since. Communication will go a long way in improving your sex life. At least the replies here seem to reflect this, noting that the opposite can and does happen. I worked my butt of the keep a sexless marriage away. My sex drive is strong but now my boyfriend, who is 5 years older than me, is on hypertension medicine and his testosterone is on the last number of normal. Id say he has some other issues. What about the emotional security of being held while you sleep? Many claim that its women who become dis- Make time when you are both relaxed. My wife of 43 years has no need for sex except very infrequently and then only quick missionary. I know that feeling of the Phone etc being more important. Thanks Buck for being brutally honest, I can relate to it and know how much painful it is, seeing your wife everyday but I cant even hold her because shell embarrass me with a comeback that all I want is sex and Ill get humiliated and will just eventually die inside. Someone who spends all their time on the computer or their phone is looking for something or someone other than the person they are with. I did a lot of stuff that I thought would make things easier for her. All information is confidential. I am desperate. When we DO have intimacy, it usually comprises me masturbating until she finishes me with her mouth (which she still likes to do) and her using one of those power vibrators that sound like a jackhammer to get herself off. Loved and desired! Isnt it such a shame that Bob here, says he masturbates 3x a week and Im sitting here daydreaming what it would feel like to have it again after years that my husband just cant. That was then and she is gone now. It could mean that your wife is experiencing changes in her mental health or there is an unresolved issue in your relationship. I didnt have children hoping and wishing things would change!!! But here I sit.pissed off. Once the women have these needs fulfilled the sexual desire for the man that gave them all the things they desired goes away. I set up a Revenge cheat. A womans lack of interest in physical intimacy can be quite an intriguing puzzle to solve. After all of that, the thought of intimacy at night becomes almost like another chore, says Gopa. Amen. Thats not going to make you happy in the long run!!! What is the solution? Can we please talk about how we each feel about sex in our relationship? Men dont want to force their wives into sex, nor do they want to beg for it. Marriage, at its core, is a compromise that trades each partners strengths to make both better off but at a cost. I asked her how long will this take for you to get over this panic stuff. Having married one of the well into that 34% is hell. Well, you might offer to find one for them, then bud out.
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